


Here's The Sitch

by mantra4ia



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: 2x06 monster, 2x07 My Little Monkey, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, One-Shot, Recovery, The Devil Doesn't Live in the Dark, Trust
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-04
Updated: 2016-11-04
Packaged: 2018-08-28 21:00:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8462791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mantra4ia/pseuds/mantra4ia
Summary: Everyone knows Lucifer’s second biggest secret right? He absolutely owns watching cheesy 80′s sci-fi and bad 90′s action franchises. But the devil's secret guilty pleasure: shipping. More specifically shipping Kim and Ron.This is the story of that time Lucifer Morningstar and Trixie role-played Kim Possible...before they were interrupted. It takes place sometime between 2x06 and 2x07, but after "The Devil Doesn't Live in the Dark" when Lucifer, who is still trying to recover while giving both Linda and the Detective their space, forms and arrangement with Trixie. A tactic agreement based on their common enjoyment of children's television, which is never to be shared outside of Beatrice's room.As you can tell, I'm shamelessly trying to get a job in the writer's room. Let me write one scene, I beg.





	1. Pass the Popcorn Kim Possible

****“Beatrice, this is very important, you must think this through. It is not a deal to be entered into lightly,” Lucifer intoned. It was not very often that he bent to the level of small humans, but for something this vital an exception was to be made.

“I know what a pinky swear is Lucifer,” Trixie said as she offered up her half of the contract.

“Yes, obviously, but your word is your bond.” Their eyes locked as he tried to impress upon her the gravity of their undertaking.

“Lucifer, we've known each other for a while now. Do I look like a girl who goes back on my word?”

“Point taken child.” With that their fingers entwined, catalyzing a remarkable sensation that Trixie seemed oblivious to. But Lucifer felt it, a strange hum of nerves buzzing in the soles of his feet, along with the bizarre realization that this was the first time Trixie had embraced him (of sorts) without latching on like a fungus. Then it dawned on him, very uncomfortably, that this was also the first time he had initiated an interaction with Trixie, willingly, and that it produced no adverse reaction; no fatigue from the burden of civility, no cringing pain, no wave of nausea. This was entirely unnatural. Lucifer shivered at the thought. Ah, that's better, all's well.

And just as quickly as it began, the the finger lock was over, the bond sealed, the buzz of the deal released and dispersed. He nervously watched as Trixie walked away across her room as she popped the disc into the tray. With a whirring of gears, it was shortly consumed by the DVD player; there was no going back now. Still, Lucifer felt uncomfortable enough to risk one final attempt at ensuring secrecy. “How do you feel about blood pacts?”

“Gross,” Trixie replied, as she launched herself on top of the new bed (having outgrown the old one) that was just a hair too tall for her. Hence the child projectile

“Well it was worth a try, are you sure Maze won't be home soon?”

"I heard her tell my mom 'don't wait up' or something."

"Sounds like Maze," Lucifer conceded as he carefully sat on the edge of the mattress. Trixie wasn't buying his forced composure. With the hand of authority, like a dictator's gavel, she patted the bed twice as if beckoning a pet dog. He cringed, but the deal was ironclad. Just as Trixie was bound to secrecy, he was bound to her terms of TV watching. She who held the remote held the power. So slowly and cautiously Lucifer unfolded his lanky frame across the child size bed, as far away from the pint-size human as he could possibly be without falling onto the floor. It was an absurd position; even with his knees partly bent, his feet hung over the edge of the bed a good distance. It was a torturous pretzel-like exercise in contortion. Lucifer made a mental note that he should get one of these things installed in hell, but his contemplation didn't last long.

“What is that god awful noise?” Lucifer was startled momentarily until a sidelong glance at Trixie confirmed the source of the giggle snort, bemused by his pain. His eyes flared and the sound desisted.

“How do your eyes go red like that?”

“Years of practice. I could teach you one day provided you don't do all...that.” Lucifer gestured.

“Laugh?”

“That, human, was not a laugh. It was a unearthly sound that belongs in the depths of hell. Agreed?”

Trixie rolled her eyes, but in affirmation pressed the play button.

      

“Agreed.” Immediately they were both enrapt, side by side, as the show opened to “Call me, beep me, if you wanna reach me.”

“What episode is this?” Lucifer inquired.

The reply was a swift and formidable “sush.” In all his years not once had the Devil been sushed. Moments later when Lucifer offered Trixie the popcorn bowl, she softened and relented “it's the one where...”

“Ahh ah aht, spoiler warning please,” Lucifer interceded.

“Well, if you want the short version, it's where Ron and Kim switch bodies. Ron has to learn Kim's responsibilities, and Kim has to deal with the stuff Ron sees at school everyday. Some of it's tough, but it helps her understand him better...”

Lucifer knew just then that the episode was not at random. “Well played, mini-Decker.” It was a situation fairly applicable to he and the Detective, which Beactrice was no doubt using to aid his distraction. Lucifer was aware that Trixie knew about Uriel, some of it anyway. She knew that Uriel was Lucifer's brother, and that he passed away...suddenly. Mazikeen had 'let it slip' just as she'd slipped to Lucifer that Trixie admired her 'Halloween face.' Truth be told, Lucifer was impressed at Maze's audacity, it took stones to risk exposure and rejection, but Dad forbid he admit it that he was a little bit proud. This was likely Trixie's way of acknowledging Lucifer's 'sitch.'

“Do you want to talk about it?” she queried.

“Sush,” he replied in icy callous, to which Trixie promptly passed the popcorn back. Lucifer disliked popcorn, but upon receiving the bowl back he noticed that Trixie had emptied in a box of now-slightly-melted mini m&ms. This he could work with. After a few minutes of watching the valiant attempts of Ron Stoppable, Lucifer tried to revive the conversation as a token of appreciation.

“I take it you've seen this episode before then have you?”

“About 8 times.”

“In total?”

“This month.”

“Well, I'm sure Mazikeen must be thrilled.”

“I haven't watched this one with Maze yet. Just by myself. I saved it for watching with you.”

Lucifer's gut wanted him to say “sush” again, but he bit his tongue. “I haven't seen this one, is it like the one where Ron gets a better hair cut and it changes him into a completely different person?”

“It's better than that one, except they don't save France,” Trixie was about to slide over to Lucifer and share one of her pillows to alleviate some of his two-sizes-too-small bed discomfort when both of them heard the sound of a key as the apartment door open swung open.

“Monkey, I'm home. Daddy will be over later to take you to the bookstore. The author of the new Madeline books is going to do a reading. Maybe she'll even sign your book there, so you need to start getting ready.”

   

Lucifer whispered, “I think we have a sitch,” when Trixie interrupted while pounding down the volume button with the ferocity of a A-B-A-Z combo on a game controller.

“Total Non-sitch, I'll handle my mom, you keep watching.”

“Bless.” Lucifer smiled the most endearing smile he could muster, to which Trixie raised an eyebrow of judgement before vaulting off the bed to intercept Chloe.


	2. The Valiant Attempts of Ron Stoppable

“Mom, I have a lot of homework today, I don't think I'll finish in time to go to the bookstore. Can you tell Dad I'd rather stay in tonight?”

“Baby, he's been looking forward to seeing you all week, you know how crazy his work schedule gets.”

“I know. I still want to see him, just later. Maybe he can come over after dinner?”

“Well how much homework do you have bug? Maybe I can help you look through it. Some you can finish now, and I'll let you stay up a little later if it'll help you finish the rest.”

Trixie dashed over to her backpack in the best effort to both go along with her mom and foil any attempts of help that might interfere with her plan. “Thanks mom, but I think I can handle it. Maze said she'd help me.” Trixie's hand and Chloe's made for the backpack straps at the same time, each taking one as Chloe groaned.

“Jeez, Trix, what do they give you to take home nowadays? Bricks?” Lucifer, overhearing the tales of deception from the kitchen, paused Kim Possible to observe the momentarily-more-interesting scenario though the crack in Trixie's bedroom door.

“It's heavy because of my textbooks.”

“Textbooks, are you joking? They weren't half this heavy last year.”

“That's because when the school got the new editions they switched from paperback to hard cover. It really adds to the heft.”

For a moment all was silent and Trixie smiled at Lucifer out of the corner of her eye, thinking that she'd succeeded in her storytelling; Lucifer smiled back but his heart wasn't in it. He knew it was all over for the small human, for though he himself didn't lie, he was rather adept at deconstructing lies. The nail in her coffin came with the word “heft.”

“Heft huh,” Chloe unzipped the back pack and took out the first textbook she saw. “Calculus AB, I'd say that's pretty hefty my little genius. You said Maze is helping you with this?”

“Yes mom.”

“And where is she?”

“In my room, we were already studying.” Lucifer retreated from the door, allowing it to quietly shut. He felt the ache of Uriel again, right below his chest the grief resided. But with the pain came the small relief of amusement as he pondered Trixie's predicament. If Uriel were here, he'd have said something like, “you don't need to see patterns to know when the hole you're in grows deeper, you need only see the pile of dirt growing taller.” He'd said that once, to Amenadiel of all the heavenly host, when he came back from a failed assignment and, after not being able to admit his mistake to Father, failed a subsequent task. Amenadiel was so furious that Lucifer had to step between them to save Uriel from getting his wings tarred. The current argument soon brought Lucifer out from his private reverie.

“But mom she has to be in my room to help me study because you said that her room is off limits,” the child was on the verge of whining, never a good sign.

“Really, and was she also going to help you study this?” Chloe tipped over the backpack onto the kitchen table where all four seasons of Kim Possible were liberated from their hiding spots. “Monkey, I can hear your TV from here, how many times do I have to remind you...” Chloe crossed the room and banged on the door three times with the flat of her hand “Maze open up – that the TV doesn't go on until all the homework is done – Mazikeen!”

Chloe was in blown full Detective mode. Lucifer had no choice.

“And where did you get all these DVDs from Trix, your library card is expired. You better not have taken them without permission.”

The door opened before Chloe could make for the handle, taking her a step back. “Your offspring did no such thing Detective, she borrowed my library card,” Lucifer emerged and said coolly, handing Chloe the remaining disc that he'd removed from the player drawer.

“Lucifer?” Awestruck could not even begin to describe Chloe's face. A dozen questions all vying to the surface. It was quite the show, Lucifer admitted to himself as he continued picking M&Ms out of the popcorn. What would she say or do next? She settled on “You have a library card?”

Well that was an unexpectedly mundane line of inquiry. Still, he might be able to salvage the situation for Trixie if he could turn on some of his old Lucifer charm. Where had it gone? How did he usually speak?

“Surely,” Chloe eyed him suspiciously, to which he replied “having fun isn't hard when you've got a library card,” which heightened the Detective's alarm bells even further. “Or when you show the librarian around the adult fiction section, twice.”

This response, though it seemed repugnant, was satisfying to Chloe's internal truth detector. She backed away from the door frame but not before saying, “You, stay. I'm not done with you yet,” and returned to questioning her daughter. “Yes or no – do you have homework today?”

“No, mom.”

“Is that a lie?”

“No, I finished it at school. It was easy.”

“Then why did you lie before when you said you had work to do?”

“Because I don't want to go to the bookstore with dad today.”

“Even though you know how much he misses you, Monkey?”

“Yes,” Trixie replied in soft spoken compliance. Lucifer wanted to intercede, partly on her behalf and partly for himself. He did not want the child on the verge of tears, if for no other reason then his own stomach couldn't handle it. But when he saw the determination on Chloe's face, he folded.

“It's important to him Bug, especially now that we live apart. Do you know it would make Dad feel bad to miss out on spending time with you?”

“Yeah mom, but...”

“But what, sweetheart? _I just want to understand._ ” The words he'd heard, only this time not directed at him, so many times before that they'd lost meaning struck him now in their soft sincerity.

Mini-Decker did something strange just then, Lucifer observed some sort of frantic spasm that apparently signaled Mama Decker to kneel down and speak in confidence. What was she whispering? Would she break their deal and tell the Detective that watching Kim Possible was Lucifer's idea? Was she a little narc?

Chloe bent low so that her daughter had her ear.

“I know Dad would feel bad. But Lucifer feels worse.”

It was days like today the Chloe was grateful to the universe, to whatever power might be out there, for giving her daughter a more brilliant mind than both she and Dan could pass down to her.

Lucifer watched as Chloe took out her cell, tapped in a few characters while even more rapidly twitching her foot and mouthing what looked like muffled curses, before flashing a brilliant smile. “Done. Trix, set the table please, dad says you're lucky that you're one cool kid. He'll be over later for dinner instead.” At which point Trixie latched onto her mother's waist and the bile in Lucifer's throat halted his M&M consumption. Chloe took the opportunity, in his bewilderment at the transaction, to confiscate the popcorn. “You, don't ruin your appetite. You're staying for dinner.”

“But...”

The protests could not leave Lucifer's mouth fast enough as Chloe countered with, “ Beatrice, add another place please. We'll finish this talk after diner,” and strong armed Lucifer back into a corner.

“Whatever deal you made with Trixie – that's your thing right, you make deals - I am renegotiating the terms. If you stay and watch TV with Trixie, then you stay for dinner. If she invites you over on a day she has homework you will take a rain-check. Tonight, Dan will be here, and you will be pristinely civil. And you will not make any complaints about the food.” Lucifer nodded. “Or the drink,” Lucifer cringed at the thought of wholesale wine and offered to bring over something better from his collection, but was immediately shot down. “Those are my terms.”

“Detective, I understand, however...”

“So help me Lucifer, you argue and the terms get worse.”

“I accept your terms, as long as you realize that it was all Trixie's idea...”

“To invite you over to watch Kim Possible, yes I know. I think it's nice of you to indulge her. I'm glad she seems to scare you less now than she once did.” Chloe couldn't help but smile as Lucifer accepted the jab without protest. “And another thing,” Chloe paraded him over back to Trixie's door. “See this?”

“I'm aware that the sign says 'no boys allowed' Detective, but if you'll read the fine print it also says 'except dad and Lucifer.' I don't laugh in the face of every rule.”

“I know Lucifer. I mean _this_ ,” she tapped the hollow wooden door. “ _The door stays open_ so that I have a heads up on whatever mischief the two of you collude together.”

“Fair enough.”

**_“And you will not buy her a naked mole rat pet, no matter how much she begs or bargains.”_ **

"I would never..."

"Need I remind you of the doll? And your time with Trixie will not cut into Dan's time with Trixie.”

“I swear, I didn't know Daniel was coming over or else I wouldn't be here in the first place.”

“I know, I believe you.”

“What, just like that?”

"Just like that."

“Then what did that doe-eyed little rascal say that convinced you to let me stay?”

“It's not about what she said, more about what she does, how she is. Trixie loved watching Kim Possible since she was old enough to change channels. We used to record episodes that played on TV and she'd wear out the DVR buttons. When she was a little younger, we'd watch them together, Trixie, me, and...”

“Danimal Crackers?”

“Her dad,” Chloe corrected sharply. “As she got older, she wanted her space, she only wanted to watch the episodes with her friends. She had a hard time making friends and it was important to her, so we agreed. The difficult part with Trixie is when she sets her mind to something, that's it. Well, as it turns out most of her friends don't really like Kim Possible.”

Lucifer could not stand idle any longer. _**“Well then her friends are evil.”**_

With her best 'keep it down' face, Chloe said under her breath, “I agree, Ron Stoppable.” Lucifer shut up immediately, afraid of his secret being discovered. “But Trixie still wanted her friends to come over, so in the end she talked about most of the things they wanted to talk about. She wouldn't watch episodes with them, or us, because apparently watching TV with her parents wasn't fun or cool anymore. So I'm just glad she can share that with you. That's the reason.”

Chloe paused, “And she reminded me of something I already knew,” Chloe took Lucifer's jacket across the hall to the coat rack, avoiding any further elaboration as she enjoyed the bewilderment in every bit of Lucifer's expression, and said a little louder so that Trixie could hear her, “AND she agreed to double chore shifts this week.”

Free of the Detective's scrutiny a moment, Lucifer fell in step behind Trixie as she set the table and whispered, “Nice work. So, same time tomorrow then?”

“I don't think so Lucifer. I didn't have any homework today, but I have science tomorrow, and my science teacher Ms. Maelstrom likes to assign lots of work.”

“Really? What are you studying in science right now.”

“Relationships in the animal kingdom. I'm in the accelerated group because I called the class boring. My partners and I have to define, compare, and contrast sym-bio-tic relationships that are obl-i-gate, facul... fa-cul-ta-tive, mutual, com-men-sal, and parasitic.”

“You're seven,” Lucifer stated.

“I'm eight,” Trixie fired back with indignation.

“How the bloody hell is that your homework? Do you even know what those words mean?”

“Yeah, for the most part. The hard part is we need to find examples of each, and we can't use what's already in the book.”

“I know Ms. Maelstrom, she owes me a favor. If pay her a visit after dinner, I don't think she'll give you homework."

“Why?”

“She'll be too tired.”

“I don't think that's how it works Lucifer.” Trixie said perplexed but Lucifer knew better than to explain about the birds and the bees to her. Though on second thought, that might win her points in science class come to think of it.

“Examples of relationships you said?” Lucifer had a wonderful, terrible idea. “Okay, let's play a game. You and your mother, describe your relationship.”

“Obligate, because we have to live together, and commensal because out of the two of us I always get the last piece of chocolate cake...” Trixie crinkled he nose and frowned “no, wait, I guess mostly parasitic. My mom gives me a lot of stuff I can't give back, because, well I'm eight, and I take up a lot of time that she could have to herself.” Her frown deepened.

“Very good my little parasite," this made Trixie smile a bit, "what about your mom and dad?” Lucifer continued.

“Fac-ul-ta-tive and mutual...they choose whether or not they want to be together, and they help each other to be better than they would be alone.”

“Hmm, not what I would have answered, but to each their own as long as you can defend the argument.”

“What about you and Maze?” Trixie asked.

“Well,” Lucifer contemplated. At times like this he wished he had his Pentecostal coin. Spinning it helped him concentrate. “I suppose Mazikeen started out obliged to me, she protects me you see, but that's changed now."

“So you're facultative?”

“...And mutual, yes I suppose we are.” Strange. Lucifer let his mind wander before it settled on a surprising question. “What about your mom and I?”

Trixie laughed, “I'll pass.”

“What?”

“I don't want to answer that question.”

“You don't want to or _really_ don't want to?” Lucifer smiled.

Trixie returned a mischievous grin in kind and whispered, “I _really_ don't want to.”

“Well, you're no fun. Then you say 'hard pass.' Go on.” Lucifer said softly.

“Hard pass.”

From across the kitchen making pasta Chloe shouted, “Lucifer, what are you teaching my daughter?”

“Science!” Trixie bellowed back with authority.

“Well since you're so fond of Gods and Devils, Lucifer, it better be the story of how your dad created the universe and nothing to do with the human anatomy or biology you're also so familiar with.”

Lucifer turned to Trixie. “From a certain angle I swear your mother's eyes also go red when she speaks. Maybe she can teach you. So, what do you say, same time tomorrow?”

“Yeah," Trixie said "same time tomorrow.”


End file.
